Spying On Dan And Phil
by ThatOneSmoshyPhanGirl
Summary: When in Manchester, Ian and Anthony from Smosh agree to spy on Dan and Phil in their flat. What happens when they pose as plumbers and try to find out what they really do behind the scenes? What will Ian and Anthony try to get them to do? Why does Dan own Almond Butter lotion? Read on and find out! Danisnotonfire, Smosh, and of course Amazingphil! c:
1. We're Going In

**Hey guys! This story is going to be a wee bit shorter than my other one, but I hope you like the idea. Ian and Anthony originally visit Manchester for a meeting, but when fans find out, they demand they go and spy on Dan and Phil for an Ian is Bored segment. Ian and Anthony are bored as it is, so they agree. Read on to see how Ian and Anthony make complete fools of themselves posing as characters just to pry on Dan and Phil's life. (rated M for language~) **

**Enjoy c: **

**Love Always, ThatOneSmoshyPhanGirl.**

_Dan and Phil's Apartment Complex_

_2:30pm_

"We can't get arrested, right Ian?" Anthony mumbled as they climbed the stairs to the 36th floor to Dan and Phil's flat. The lift was broken so they had no other choice; just their luck. They were dressed as Mario and Luigi and were planning on getting into their flat by saying they were hired to fix the pipes in each room. Ian held the camera; they were planning on vlogging everything of course.

"Of'a course'a we can't! We are'a famous plumbers! Get into'a character, Luigi!" Ian spoke in an Italian accent as he pointed the camera back at his friend. "Worthless piece of shit..." Ian mumbled kiddingly. Anthony frowned.

"But Iaaaaan! Dan and Phil have met us before, what if they recognize us?" Anthony stomped after his friend up the last flight of stairs.

"I told'a you to get into'a character! Stop'a your worrying and let's'a goooo!" Ian charged faster up the stairs and paused outside their door. "Ok guys," he told the camera, "We are outside of Dan Howell and Phil Lester's flat now. You guys said to spy, and that's what we're gonna do." Anthony finally reached the top of the stairs.

'Woaaah, this thing is huuuuuge." Anthony gasped for air, referring to the building.

"That's what your mom said last night. _IAN THE MASTER OF COMEBACKS!_" Anthony just stood there shaking his head. Ian knocked on the door and tossed the camera to his dark brown haired friend. "Film everything." his whispered. They stood side-by-side as they heard the locks came undone and the door open. Phil opened the door and his eyes widened.

"...Daaaaaan." he turned and called back into the flat. He looked back at Ian and Anthony. He just saw two men dressed as Mario and Luigi with expressions like (OuO). Anthony had the video camera pointed at Phil.

"Whaaaaaaaat!" they heard Dan's voice.

"Come here pleaaaasee..." Phil yelled.

"Whyyy? I'm laaazzzzyyy." Suddenly Dan was besides Phil and looking at the two idiots with a shocked expressions.

"We are'a here to clean'a your pipes!" Ian broke the silence. Dan and Phil exchanged glances.

"Yeah! Clean'a your pipes! MHHMMHMM." Anthony made his signature noise and creepy face.

"...So like... what the fuck." Dan stood there with a disturbed look. Phil was trying not to laugh. Anthony got closer to Dan's face.

"_Weee...waaaant...to...cleeeaaann'a...your...pipes..._"Anthony licked his lips weirdly like his does in most of the Mailtime videos. Dan turned and was about to slam the door, but Ian charged into their home with Anthony following.

"Relax, we were hired by the building to clean all the pipes. We just wanted to have a little bit of fun with it." Ian lied.

"And we have to film our work since we're, what the cool kids call, noobs." Anthony did a weird dance with the camera. "We should'a start in the bathroom. Where'a is it?"

"First door on the left." Dan waved them off and went back to playing Skyrim.

"Are you sure we can trust them...?" Phil whispered to Dan. They looked back at the two idiots who had found a peach in the kitchen and were exclaiming "Princess Peach!" and began humping it.

"Why the hell not? They wanna clean the pipes, let them." Dan said simply. Phil nodded and went to his laptop.

_-In the bathroom with Ian & Anthony-_

"Ok guys, here we are in Dan and Phil's bathroom. Let's see what they got here..." Ian told the camera and then opened the cupboard under the sink. "Razors, shampoo, toothpaste, almond butter lotion...is that a wombat plushie? Man, they don't have anything interesting!"

"I guess this ruins the rumor that they're gay." Anthony sighed. "We can't upload a video this boring, Ian!"

"At least we can tell our viewers what shampoo they use. They'll love that. Hmmm, wanna check their rooms-"

"Dan was wondering if you wanted something to drink?" Phil knocked on the door. Ian and Anthony exchanged surprised glances.

"Do you guys have juice boxes?" Anthony called nonchalantly. Ian slapped him and put a finger up to his mouth to tell him to shush.

"Sure! Might as well take a break. That was a hard five minutes we worked." Ian and Anthony unlocked the door and followed Phil to the kitchen. Dan was still playing Skyrim in the living room and was yelling at the television. Anthony pulled out the video camera and began taping Dan doing so.

"What are you doing...?" Phil asked, holding the fridge door open. Ian shot him a look telling him to record no matter what-he'll distract Phil.

"Uh-err..So Phil, nice...hair." Ian stuttered as he raked his mind for something to say. Anthony shot him an "are you serious?" look. He continued to film Dan yelling things at the tv.

"NO! You have to blast him _HARDER! HARDER! HARDER I TELL YOU_. _I'm going to explode if you keep doing that!_ You have to work faster too! GOD. SRSLY." Dan yelled, referring to his battle in Skyrim.

"Dan, quiet down!"

"NO! This is SRS BISNUSS."

"Anyways...thanks random plumber guy. I always go to the same barber down in Manchester's shopping district. It has the cutest little barber shop pole outside too-"

" DAMN YOU, BARBER SHOP POLE." Ian boomed. Phil stood there with a 'what the hell' look on his face. Anthony quickly shut the video camera and pulled Ian out of the kitchen.

"We have to use the...bathroom. Be right back!" Anthony yelled back, restraining Ian.

"Together?" Phil raised a brow.

"Heh, gays." Dan laughed from his chair.

_-Back In the Bathroom With The Idiots-_

"Really! You're gonna blow our cover!" Anthony whispered harshly. Ian sighed and rubbed the back of his head.

"I know. I'm sorry dude. Hey, did you get the footage of Dan being an idiot?" Anthony nodded and pulled out the camera and played it back. "Haha... he yelled things that sound pretty sexual if you think about it.." just then, both of their eyes lit up.

"If you can get Phil to say things that sound like that too, I can get Dan to say more things like that." Anthony smiled wickedly.

"Yeah! It may not be spying like our fans wanted, but I mean, this will be just as good. So we get them to say things that sound sexual, edit it, and BAM! We have the best audio footage ever."

"Heck yeah bro! All those 'Philions' & 'Danosaurs' will love us for eternity!"

"But...Phil and Dan will eventually see that video and know it was us.."

"Ew."

"What?"

"Your face."

"Well, that was uncalled for."

"So was your totally downing remark. Why do you gotta be so negative? GAWSH." Ian flailed his arms and walked to the door. "Anyways, get the video camera ready. I'm going in!"

"That's what he said."

"...Shut the fuck up, Anthony. Ok! Attempt Number One! Here'a we goo!"


	2. First Attempt

**Previously on 'Spying On Dan and Phil':**

_Ian Hecox and Anthony Padilla, two young men making a living on Youtube have wandered into the house of two homosexual British men. Wait, what? They're not homosexual? Damn it. Anyways, after being asked by their fans to intrude on the lives of Daniel Howell and Philip Lester, they happy oblige._

_Posing as Mario and Luigi they enter the flat and begin their snooping. Though their investigation only goes as far as the bathroom, they soon discover that they can get much more on film than what they expected. Wow, that sounds really sexual. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, I don't fucking know. Thank god this is under the M category._

_Let's continue, shall we?_

* * *

**In The Bathroom With Ian and Anthony**

"So, you ready to get the best damn audio footage ever?" Ian whispered as they readied their camera. Anthony nodded as he took in a deep breath. "You know what you're gonna say?"

"Yeah. Remember, distract Dan. Well, that's if he isn't already too distracted by Skyrim." slowly they opened the door and walked nonchalantly back into the living room. There Dan had remained his usual position playing Skyrim and Phil was in the kitchen. Everything was in place.

.

_First Attempt_

.

"Hey, Phil, is it?" Anthony was in charge of getting the first piece of the footage from Phil while Ian made sure Dan didn't interfere. Phil stood in behind the breakfast bar making some kind of batter. The place smelled of vanilla and a dash of nutmeg.

"Yeah...did you need something? And decided to drop the Italian accent, did you?" he lightly chuckled. He wore an AmazingPhil shirt and some sweatpants. Classy.

"Uh...er- so what are you doing?" Anthony short a quick glance in Ian and Dan's direction to make sure everything was going as planned.

"Making cookies, does this look alright?" he pointed to the bowl of batter. Anthony burst into laughter.

"Haha! You're making cookies for Dan? What are you; his bitch?" Anthony doubled over. He glanced up to see Phil just staring confused, "I mean um...can you help me with something?"

"Yeah, I guess-"

"Ok cool. Well me and my friend over there have this Christmas party coming up and we have to sing this song for all the staff."

"Plumbers do that sort of thing?"

"Yeah, yeah, all the time. Anyways, we have a sort of problem. He has a sore throat and can't sing part of the song, but it's a duet. Would you mind singing part of it with me quickly so I can practice?"

"Wait, what the fuck?" Dan paused Skyrim and turned back towards us, "Aren't you just supposed to be fixing our pipes?" he narrowed his eyes. Quickly Ian shot a surprised look and acted quickly. He jumped onto Dan's lap and started screaming and thrashing the pillows all around. "What the hell?!"

"Make it stop!"

"Make what stop?!"

"There's-oh my herman! It's on your neck!"

"What!? What the fuck is on my neck!?"

"A spider!"

"GET IT THE FUCK OFF. JESUS CHRIST." Dan pushed Ian off of him and ran off to his room, flapping his arms manically. Ian laughed internally and stood outside of Dan's door and made sure he wouldn't be coming out any time soon.

**Wise Words With Ian Hecox**

****Always approach a Dan Howell with caution. Well, unless you get him to believe there is a spider on his neck. Then he is basically your bitch.

**This has been Wise Words With Ian Hecox**

.

"Dan!" Phil called but Anthony pulled him back.

"You have to help me sing my Christmas song." Anthony whined and pulled out his phone and started typing things out. "Ok, every time I pause, just look at these lyrics and continue." he cleared his throat.

"Ass, ass, ass, ass-"

"Um..."

"Sorry, wrong song. Ah, here it is! It's Christmas time again, I'm here and ready to celebrate with all my friends..."

"Ooooh~"

"The snow is falling, the peasants crawling and I can hear the sound of music plaaayingg..."

"I like it in the butt...um, are those really the lyrics-?" Phil asked innocently.

"Yes. That was the finale in fact, thanks for your time." Anthony skipped off to meet Ian back outside of Dan's room. After turning the corner to the hall, he was surprised to see that he wasn't there. Was that talking he heard though? He pressed his ear to Dan's door to hear the two of them conversing. "That douchenozzle! He broke the plans and went on his own!" Anthony mumbled.

.

_What will become of Ian and Anthony's friendship? What is Dan and Anthony talking about? Will they create the audio footage? Does Phil, in fact, like it in the butt? Find out all next chapter._

_Stay tuned, douche bagels._

* * *

**This is a prime example of what ThatOneSmoshyPhanGirl is like on zero hours of sleep. I apologize. I...I just don't know anymore.**

**Love Always,**

**ThatOneSmoshyPhanGirl**


	3. Second Attempt

**Previously on 'Spying On Dan And Phil':**

Ian and Anthony tried and succeeded in getting Phil to say, "I like it in the butt." Well done, Philip. Now to Anthony's dismay, Ian has abandoned their plan and gone into Dan's room alone. Let's continue.

* * *

**.**

**Inside Dan's bedroom**

Dan turned slowly to see Ian behind him. "The hell are you doing in here?" he asked, internally laughing at his Mario costume. "There's nothing to be fixed in my room. Have you even finished the pipes in the bathroom?" Ian shook his head. "Then?"

"I have something to show you."

"Oh jesus christ, I know plumbers are notorious for their ass to show, but spare me please." Dan cringed.

"I won't be showing you my ass...but I think someone else may want to show you theirs." he pulled the video camera out of his side pouch and hit playback.

"I like it in the butt." Phil's voice played back. Dan looked at it disturbingly as Ian nodded slowly.

"I'll let that sink in for a moment." Ian put it back in his pouch. "Or if you like to force things in or if you're gentle; what ever you like really." Dan facepalmed.

"Phil said that, not me."

"But, do you Dan? Do you like it in the butt?"

.

**In the kitchen**

.

"Why are you making cookies again?" Anthony sat at the breakfast bar as he watched Phil.

"I just feel like it. Um, shouldn't be fixing the pipes..?" Phil set the tray in the oven. Anthony jumped up nervously.

"Haha! Guess...guess I should be, huh?" he really had no idea how to even work with pipes, but he figured he give it a shot. He walked back to the bathroom and stared at the pipes under the sink. He poked them.

"They are indeed pipes." he confirmed before taking a bottle of raspberry body wash and smelling it. "This is indeed their bathroom." he set the bottle down and thought a moment. Finally he grew impatient, grabbed a nearby plunger and began to beat the pipes furiously. Of course they weren't actually broken; he just needed to make noise so it would sound like he was working.

.

**Back in Dan's bedroom**

.

The air became thick as Ian's question lingered. "What?" Dan shook, "Of course not!" Ian popped his tongue and circled Dan.

"You've never thought of you and Phil in 'that' way?" he questioned.

"He's my best friend." Dan crossed his arms and watched Ian now pace the room.

"Even after hearing that? You still feel the same way?" What Dan didn't know, was that Ian had the video camera on inside his pouch. Everything that was being said was being recorded. "How do you know Phil doesn't like you, Dan? I was out there, I saw the way he looks at you. His eyes practically begging you to notice him. Do you? Do you notice him?"

"Of course I notice him, I live with him. And he doesn't like me that way. Besides-" Suddenly there was a loud crash. They dashed from the room to the bathroom to see water flooding everywhere.

"What the fuck!?" Dan yelled. There stood Anthony still hitting the pipes with a plunger.

"Don't worry, guys! I've got this!" he yelled over the roaring water. Water was everywhere and beginning to flood the flat.

"Phil!" Dan yelled, "Get over here!"

"I'm getting the cookies out of the oven!" he called back.

"No one gives a fuck about the cookies!"

"They'll burn! And don't say that. They have feelings."

"PHIL."

"Whoaaa, don't call his name like that. Who knows what he's like when he's turned on like wow-" Ian raised his hands back and laughed. Anthony kept hitting the pipes with a plunger. Finally Phil arrived and saw what was happening.

"Oh my god, it's flooding." he observed.

"_Ya don't saaay_." Dan rolled his eyes. Phil tried to take the plunger from Anthony, but Anthony wouldn't let go. He shot Phil a death glare as he tightened his grip.

"No." he hissed. Phil tried tugging again and Anthony tugged back.

"Woah, this is getting good." Ian observed, now eating a cookie Phil had just taken out of the oven. Dan eyed the cookie sadly.

"Aw." he pouted. Ian broke off a piece and gave it to Dan with a smile.

"I got ya, man." he pat his shoulder as their attention went back to the fighting Anthony and Phil. With each tug, the other person pulled back with more strength. Finally, Anthony pulled back with so much strength that Phil flew forward and onto the floor under the spewing water. Quickly Anthony looked in both directions before throwing the plunger at Phil and darting for the living room.

"Dan!" Phil yelled, trying to stand up, but couldn't.

"One minute, I'm eating." Dan chewed on his cookie as him and Anthony talked. "Normally Phil's baking is shit, but these aren't half bad."

"Maybe he cooked them with love." Ian mumbled.

"What?"

"Nothing."

Dan finished his cookie and started to retrieve Phil. He was steps away from him when Ian ran and pushed him from behind, resulting in him hovering over Phil. The water from the pipes spewed upwards creating a shower effect.

"Kiss! It'll be like in the movies when people kiss in the rain except you're under dirty bathroom water!" Ian called out in-between bites of his cookie. Both Dan and Phil were drenched in the water and stared down at each other.

"Just fuck already." Anthony yelled as he was secretly recording. Dan and Phil both slowly turned their head to give disturbed expressions.

"Phil, just because you like those kind of things doesn't mean I'd treat you any different." Dan said. Phil looked up confused.

"Huh? Did I say something earlier?" he asked.

"Yeah, I like it in the butt." Dan said normally. Phil's eyes shot open.

"I'm sorry?" he stuttered.

"No! Not me; you! That plumber guy showed me a recording of you saying so..." Anthony and Ian shot each other worried glances.

"Shit! C'mon, they're onto us!" Anthony and Ian ran for the door; Ian stopped at the kitchen and grabbed the tray of cookies angrily. "I'm taking these!" he yelled and stomped to the door and closed it, opening it again just to slam it. They ran down half the stairs when Anthony stopped him.

"We're not going anywhere. Mario and Luigi may be done," he removed his Luigi hat, "But Ian and Anthony are not—Ian are you even listening?" Ian stood there indulging in the cookies.

"Huh? Oh—yeah totally! And I've got the perfect idea."

* * *

**I always love updating this fic just because I feel like I don't have to worry about making sense and I can just be stupid with it really. It'll start becoming updated regularly.**

**Love Always,**

**ThatOneSmoshyPhanGirl**


	4. Third Attempt: As Women?

**Previously on Spying On Dan And Phil:**

Ian tells Dan about Phil liking it, "up the butt." Meanwhile, Phil makes cookies and Anthony successfully breaks the pipes causing a flood in their flat. Getting their cover almost blown, Ian and Anthony flee- Anthony taking a detour to snag the tray of cookies. Ian decides that they keep going with their mission.

* * *

.

"You alright?" Dan helped Phil off the bathroom floor. Phil stretched and rubbed the back of his head.

"I think so..." the pipes finally stopped spewing water and things calmed down. The two were soaked in water, cursing under their breath. "We shouldn't have trusted them, the plumbers I mean." They grabbed all of the towels they could find in their flat and began to clean up, "You just had to pay more attention to Skyrim didn't you, Dan?"

"Don't go and try to blame this on me! I wasn't the one busy making cookies and not watching them closer. And in the end, they took them." Dan sighed, remembering the bit of cookie he had earlier.

.

**With The Idiots**

**.**

"Ya know, Ian." Anthony said in-between bites of his cookie, "We can just stop. We have Phil saying he likes it up the butt; what else could our fans want?" Ian ignored his friends and continued pacing the stairs. Ian was a perfectionist, he knew they could get more out of Dan and Phil. Just one problem—how?

"What could two British men find interesting enough to let into their flat..." he thought aloud.

"Male strippers?" Anthony suggested, pointing the cookie he was holding at Ian.

"We don't know they're gay, Anthony."

"...Strippers-?"

"I've got it!" he exclaimed suddenly, "Come on, we have to head back to where we're staying to get some stuff."

"So we're not hiring strippers?"

They caught a cab and rode back to where they resided for their stay in England. Once inside their room, Ian spun to Anthony. "Animals." he said excitedly.

"...What? Are you ok, man-"

"No, listen! 'Danosaurs', 'Philions'; they love animals. Especially Phil. All we have to do is go crying to them in disguise saying how we saw our cat crawl through their window from the ledge outside. They'll go looking and we'll have a decent amount of time to do more snooping and get more audio footage." Ian began looking through their luggage when he pulled out two berets. He shot Anthony a confused look.

"Kalel." he explained with a sigh.

"Well, this time we're going as men from Paris with a thick accent. Here, we have these scarfs and little shades too." The two put on their disguise and drew mustaches on each other with a sharpie. "Convincing enough?"

"We look hot." Anthony nodded as they started back for the cab. Moments later they were walking back up the stairs to Dan and Phil's flat.

"Remember the accent—and let me do the talking first this time." Ian said and knocked on their door. Dan opened the door and looked over the two.

"Phil, did you order male strippers?" he called back into the flat. A faint 'No!' was heard. "Anyways, what did you wan-"

"Sir! Oh, sir!" Ian grabbed Dan by his shirt and clung on, his French accent thick. "Our kitty cat! It is gone! Gone, gone, gone!" he cried. Dan looked to Anthony who just nodded with a sad look.

"Yeaaaah, well if that's going to be all-" Dan pried Ian off of him and went to close the door. Ian kicked the door back open furiously.

"I do not think I was finished." he growled.

"How the fuck am I supposed to know where your cat is?"

"In your house. My cat, he crawled through your open window from the ledge. Please, just let us in to look for beloved cat."

"Cat? KEEPING IT." Phil yelled from inside. Dan shrugged and slammed the door shut, locking it.

"Yeah, well it had rabbies anyways! So fuck you!" Ian yelled in annoyance and threw his beret. Anthony picked up the beret (because if it got damaged at all, Kalel would make him sleep on the couch again as she took Kabuki in their room) and dragged his yelling friend back to the cab and back into their flat. "The nerve of some people." he sighed.

"Why don't we just dress up as girls? They're two single guys so they'd probably let us in." Anthony shrugged.

"Anthony, that is so stupid...it's genius! Put on anything feminine you have; did Kalel put any wigs in there?"

"Yeah."

"Ok, well let's get ready." Ian skipped off to the bathroom with his luggage. Anthony just put on a long brunette wig with a dress Kalel packed for some reason. Ian was taking an unusually long time. Five minutes turned to twenty in a blink of an eye. Finally the bathroom door opened.

There stood Ian in a long, wavy blonde wig, a red dress and black heels. He even had makeup on. "Um, dude...none of that is Kalel's."

"I know," he smiled, "ya never know when you have to go drag." he grabbed his purse and headed for the door. "Well? You coming?"

.

**With Dan And Phil**

.

"I can't find the cat anywhere." Phil frowned as Dan edited a video across from him. "Super Amazing Project?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm almost done editing it." a ding came from the kitchen and Phil went to take the cookies out of the oven. "You made more?"

"Since the plumbers stole them last time, yep." Phil smiled and set them out to cool and went back to the couch. "Uh, Dan? Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"You don't really believe what the plumber said, do you? You've barely looked at me since..." Phil kept his stare on the coffee table before him.

"Why would two random plumber say something like that? And they have footage of you saying so...Phil, I don't look at you any different."

"I'm telling you I don't like it up the butt, Dan! Listen to me! They rigged this whole thing!" he stood up trying to prove his point. "Besides, maybe you're the one that does. You haven't had a girlfriend in years. Who's to say you haven't been going to gay strip clubs late at night?"

"Are you fucking serious right now?" he looked up from his laptop.

"You said you were bi on your forumspring two years ago." Phil crossed his arms and shrugged, "Maybe it's grown from then."

"We both know that was a joke for the Phanbase."

"Oh, okay! A joke, that's right! A joke like how last New Years Eve you kissed Pj?"

"We were both drunk." Dan rolled his eyes, "Plus, it lasted only like two seconds-"

"So you counted!" Phil exclaimed, "Obviously you were sober enough to pay attention to time."

"Ok, you know what!?" Dan stood also, "I think you're gay. There, said it. You went through all the trouble to get the spotlight off of you so you wouldn't crack under pressure. You're trying a little bit too hard for someone who's 'straight.'"

A knock on the front door echoed through the flat. Dan stormed across the room and yanked the door open. "What!?-" he stopped when he saw two women before him.

"Hiya there." the brunette spoke, "My name is...er...Antwanette and-"

"Can we just come in your house?" the blonde marched inside, dragging 'her' friend along. "Oh, uh, I'm Ivonne." Obviously it was Ian and Anthony, but Dan and Phil were completely unaware.

Dan glared at Phil before holding hands with Anthony. "You said your name was Antwanette?" he mused. Ian held his laughs in as Anthony's eyes widened in fear as he looked at Dan.

"Yes." Anthony squeaked in a girl's voice. "You are?" he tried to pull away, but Dan held on.

"Howell; Dan Howell. Maybe you've heard of me from Youtube...danisnotonfire?"

"Oh! I've heard of you!" Ian exclaimed, "But Smosh is waaaay better psh." he waved his hand around. "Have you seen Ian? Like, _daaamnnn_. Unf." Ian continued, but suddenly Phil had his arm around Ian's waist.

"People say I have eyes similar to Ian's." Phil said lowly as he gazed at him.

"Hahaha...you don't say..." Ian sent fearful glances at Anthony. Dan moved a strand of hair out of Anthony's face.

"Why don't you sit down? I'll get you something to drink." he led Anthony to the couch. Phil glared.

"Ivonne, I'll do the same for you." he pushed Ian at the couch as he ran into the kitchen. He had to top whatever Dan was doing. They worked quickly as they made wild concoctions of alcohol.

"Ian..." Anthony whispered, "I'm scared."

"We do make pretty hot ladies, we can't help it. Anyways, maybe we can scare them away. I don't care about the footage anymore. I just want to get out of here. Just act really gross maybe?" Ian whispered back. Anthony thought a minute.

"Penis!" he yelled in a high-pitched voice. Dan looked up concerned.

"Well, aren't you straight to the point? Later." he winked. Ian couldn't help but start laughing as Anthony turned a deep red.

"I wanna go home..." he cried quietly.

* * *

**Will Ian and Anthony make it out alive? Who actually likes it 'up the butt'? Will Dan and Phil sort out their issues? Why does Ian carry so many feminine items? Will Phil find the imaginary cat?**

**Find out all next chapter of Spying On Dan And Phil!**

**Love Always,**

**ThatOneSmoshyPhanGirl**


	5. New Goal: Getting Out Alive

**Previously, on Spying on Dan and Phil:**

**Dan and Phil begin to accuse one another of being gay when Ivonne and Antwanette appear at their front door. Obviously, it's Ian and Anthony, but for some reason they are completely oblivious and believe they are actually women. In order to prove to one another that they are 'straight', Dan and Phil start to flirt with them. This leaves Ian and Anthony scared for their lives and wishing to only to be back in California. **

* * *

"Just one second." Dan called seductively from behind the breakfast bar where Phil and himself were mixing alcohol for the two. The place began to reek of booze and-did Dan put cologne on at one moment?

Ian sat there on the couch awkwardly, wiping his sweaty palms on the red dress he was wearing. "Dude," he whispered to Anthony besides him, "what are we gonna do? No way I'm just gonna sit here."

"Why? We're getting free drinks." Anthony shrugged and looked back over to watch Phil mix the drinks. "Woah, you're really good. Were you ever a bartender or-"

"Antwanette," Ian interrupted in a high pitched voice, "we really should be going now that I think about it. It's uh-we have that commercial shoot and just lots of things to do that don't require being here." Ian grabbed his purse and began for the door, when he felt a hand grab his.

"So soon?" Dan gave a saddened look and played with his fingers in his.

"Um...yes." Ian pulled away. Anthony awkwardly shuffled to the stove and stared at the freshly cookies made. His mouth began to water as he remembered the ones he had earlier. His hand reached for one, when suddenly, it was smacked away.

"You're going to have to do something to get one." Phil tried to sound seductive like Dan, but it just came out sounding really deep and uneven. This caused Dan to burst out, laughing hysterically. "Shut up!" Phil crossed his arms.

"Oh god, just oh my fucking god." Dan doubled over in laughter, "That made my day. Ok, breathe...breathe..."

"Can I just have a cookie now or?" Anthony asked. He looked over to the tray again.

"No." Phil said simply and went and took a seat on the couch. In the time that they were watching Phil do so, they heard the door close. They all turn to see Ian no longer there.

"That fucking dick!" Anthony cried out in anger. Dan and Phil turned to him slowly. "Erm..."

"It's fine. You have a fiery personality; I like it." Dan grinned.

_'Ian, I swear...if you don't come back...'_

** .**

**Ian's POV**

** .**

Pft, I'm totally not going back. Anthony is a big boy- or girl, or whatever you wanna call it. I'm sure he'll be just fine. Now to go get something to eat, I'm starving.

.

**With The Others**

.

"Cheers." Dan smiled and held his shot glass up. Anthony downed his as Dan secretly poured his under the table. No way he was getting drunk. Phil, on the other hand, gladly drank. This surprised Dan somewhat since Phil hardly ever does.

"This is great." Anthony said, already somewhat intoxicated.

"Yeah, it really is." Dan smiled and took Anthony's hand in his. Phil glared.

"Your girl left; back off." he whispered.

"Aw, jealous?" Dan smirked and Phil narrowed his eyes and just sat back. "So, Antwanette, was it? Tell me a little about yourself." Anthony thought a minute.

"Um, well my name is Antwanette." he spoke incredibly slowly, "That's spelled A-n-t-w-a...yeah I'm pretty sure it's an A-"

"Ok, we can skip this part, ok, darling? What do you do?"

"I make videos." he explained. Dan raised his brow.

"Youtube?"

_'Oh, shit.'_ Anthony thought. "Um, just kidding. I'm a pole dancer?" Dan chuckled.

"Well, you do have the hips for it." He placed his hand on Anthony's waist. Anthony jumped back from the couch.

"Ian-"

"Who's Ian?" Phil asked.

"Um...my boyfriend." Anthony cursed at himself a thousand times in his head. "He'll be here any second to pick me up. Actually, I need to call the bastard-I mean my sweetheart right now." He pulled out his phone and dialed Ian's number.

.

**Ian's POV**

**Pizza Parlor**

.

"Yeah, one large sausage-" My phone started to go off and I sighed in aggravation as I realized it was Anthony. "What the hell do you want? Dude, get out on your ow-"

"Heeey, babyyy." Anthony said in an over-exaggerated girly voice. "When are you gonna be here? So I can hit you in the face with a- I mean give you a hug yay..." I looked at my phone again and confirmed it was Anthony I was talking to. "They're right next to you, aren't they?"

"Mhmm~"

"Haha, sucks for you. Later-"

"You're going to keep on the fucking phone and you are going to listen to me and I don't want to her a damn word out of your mouth...ok, sweetheart~?"

"Um.."

"Good...now remember how you told me you were going to pick me up? Yeah, well it's time for that. You know, 'cause your name is Ian and your my...my boyfriend and you do things like that for me?"

"Anthony, what the actual fuck?"

"Five minutes."

"What?"

"Five minutes." Anthony's voice got softer, "If you're not here in five fucking minutes I'm going to chop off you genitals ok bye." he said quickly and hung up.

"Um ma'am, you never finished your order..." the cashier said. I fixed my wig and sniffled.

"And I never will."

* * *

**Will Ian get there in time before anything worse happens to Anthony? Is Phil jealous of Antwanette or Dan? The question still remains as to why Ian carries around so many feminine products and will Dan and Phil let them leave the flat?**

**Find out next chapter of Spying On Dan And Phil! ((reviews are always appreciated, but I won't shove that down your throat like Dan does to- never mind.))**

**Love Always,**

**ThatOneSmoshyPhanGirl**


	6. The End: The Truth Is Revealed

**Previously On Spying On Dan And Phil:**

**Ian manages to escape the grasp of Dan and Phil, but leaving Anthony in the process. He has no problem with this and decides to go get pizza. Meanwhile, Anthony is stuck having to deal with the two. Somehow along the way, his story became that he is a stripper and has a boyfriend Ian. After a phone call with an aggravated Ian, he is on his way.**

**But will Dan and Phil let them leave so easily?**

* * *

"I can't believe you led me on like this." Dan sighed, "What about us, Antwanette? Does that mean nothing to you? Look me in the eyes and say it doesn't!" He put on quite the show with how dramatic he acted. After many twirls and exaggerated sobs, he turned to see Anthony in the kitchen staring at the tray of cookies.

"Oh, sorry. What?"

"Whyyyy?" Dan wailed, "Why does the universe hate me?" He slowly sunk to the floor. Phil tossed him a box of Maltesers and sighed.

"Everyday, I swear..." Phil cleared his throat, "Um, so...Antwanette?"

"Mhmm?" Anthony added girly movements to his act: like waving his chest like a dolphin swims.

"I...You don't think I'm...gay...do you? I mean-" Anthony cut him off with hysterical laughter. His laughter got so intense, he began slapping the counters uncontrollably. "I'm being serious..."

"Wait- are you saying Phan might be real?" Anthony asked in-between laughs. Dan spewed the Maltesers out from across the room.

"Hell no, it isn't!" he stopped a minute, "So you do know me from Youtube." he winked. Anthony shuddered and turned back to Phil who was know a bright red.

"Why would you think that?" Anthony asked. Phil shrugged, then glared at Dan. "Oh, am I in the middle of something or..?"

"No, no. Phil is just being juvenile is all."

"I'm being juvenile! Oh, alright. Coming from the guy who went through all the trouble to flirt with first Ivonne and now Antwanette so you could 'prove' you aren't gay." Anthony secretly pulled out his video camera and began to record.

"Why the hell air quotations? I'm not."

"Ehm, New Year's with Pj..."

"You brought this up earlier; we were drunk. What about that time I walked into your room and found pictures of Martin Freeman all over the place?"

"Chris and I were going to shoot a Sherlock parody."

"More like shoot a kinky sex tape..." Dan said under his breath.

"You slapped Adam's butt once!"

"It was in a friendly manner. Straight men can do that, Phil. See watch," Dan smacked Phil's ass, "It's all good." Phil turned even more red. "And there we have it. Proof that you're gay. My bet was on that you would turn red."

"You smacked my arse, Dan! What the hell?"

"To prove a point."

"I dunno, it looked like you enjoyed it, Dan." Anthony shrugged. Phil smirked.

"Ha!"

"What!? No-"

The door flew open and Ian walked in, still dressed as Ivonne. "Hey, guys." he said in his usual Ian voice as opposed to a girl's. "You ready?"

"Ivonne, you came back!" Dan smiled, "Are you sick? Your voice sounds quite different..."

"Ivonne? What the fu- oh. Oh, shit. Um.." he realized he had forgot to change.

"I missed you." Dan said lowly and brought Ian into a soft hug. Phil sighed in aggravation.

"Stop using her just trying to prove something that isn't true." he crossed his arms.

"Tch, would I do this if I were lying?" Dan leaned in to kiss him when Ian flashed Anthony a 'help' look. Anthony sprung forward and tackled Dan.

"You best not be messing with my man." Anthony pushed Dan's shoulder with a huff a small child would make. He cringed at his own words. Dan and Phil exchanged confused looks.

"Hey, stop it!" Phil tugged Anthony off and pushed him (somewhat) away.

"Aw, hell nah, bitch." Ian flipped his long, blonde hair and started for Phil. Phil eventually stumbled backwards and fell over the couch. Anthony took the opportunity to run to the kitchen, grab the cookies and dash for the door.

"Deuces, bitches-" he was cut off when he tripped over a beanbag in the middle of the room. Suddenly, everything was in slow motion. The cookies fell to the floor, his heels broke and his wig fell off. Everyone stopped and stared.

"What the fuuuuuuuuuuck?" Dan said slowly. "...Anthony? Oh, wow. I'm a fucking idiot." He face-palmed in sudden realization. He looked to Ian. "So you must be-"

"No habla ingles." Ian tried to make a run for it, but Phil pushed him roughly and he fell back. Dan slowly looked at Phil and gave confused look before looking at the two idiots before him. "Anthony Padilla and Ian Hecox."

"Damn, dude. He even got our last names." Ian said.

"Yeah, and we know where you live too!" Phil exclaimed.

"Phil, not now." Dan held his hand up.

"Aw."

"Anyways, what the actual fuck? You two were the plumbers too, weren't you? And the weird people who lost their cat? We better not be in any fucking Smosh video or I swear..."

"What? We already have the footage and you'll never get it." Ian stuck his tongue out.

"Oh, yeah?"

Ian snapped. "Anthony," And with that, Anthony rubbed the camera against his crotch.

"Jesus Christ." Dan pinched the bridge of his nose. "What do you want?"

"Admit Phan is real." Ian and Anthony fist bumped.

"What!? No! It's not!" Dan exclaimed. "Isn't that right, Phil?"

"Actually, Dan-"

"Nope, fuck this. Phil, we are not confessing to each other. That can wait."

"...all I was gonna say was that I had my camera recording too as soon as Ivonne, I mean Ian, walked in. I could tell something was off. We have footage of them as women. 'That can wait'?"

"Oh, shit. Um, I mean. Fuck..anyways. That's great! Now, get the hell out of our flat."

"Why don't we torture them more? They are in our flat after all."

"Aw, come on!" Ian and Anthony whined, "Just let us go!"

"Hm, evil. I like that, Phil. And no way; I almost kissed you and touched your waist and..." Dan shuddered, "We are getting revenge. Point the camera at them, Phil."

.

**A Week Later**

.

"Glad they're back in California." Phil flopped onto the couch with some milk. "How many views so far?"

"It's stuck in the three-hundreds, you know what that means." Dan smiled and they high-fived. "Wanna watch it again?"

"Oh yeah." Phil nodded and Dan hit play.

There sat Ian and Anthony dressed as girls. "I'm Ian from Smosh." Ian sobbed.

"And I'm Anthony from Smosh." Anthony did the same.

"And today we're gonna confirm some rumors going around...like how Anthony spoons kittens against their will."

"And how Ian actually breastfeeds." Buckets of milk poured down on them, "Yaaay...milk..."

"I'm also in love with Carlton from Fresh Prince of Bel Air. I may have multiple posters of him on my bedroom walls...and in my bathroom...like when I shower...it's like he's there with me..." Ian cried. Anthony pat his back.

"Dan and Phil are also our favorite youtubers and the coolest people ever. Cooler than us even. I wish that one day, we will be even a little bit close to how awesome they are."

"That's all for today, Smoshers. See ya later, bitch..." And the video ended.

"I know that made my top five favorite videos on youtube." Dan chuckled. Phil stared at him.

"What's your first?"

"Phil is not on fire..." he stared at the floor. A smile appeared on Phil's face.

"Aw, Dan..."

"That Wall-E was just so rad." he sniffled at the memory. "Well, goodnight, Phil." Dan jumped up.

"Night." Phil smiled. Once Dan was in his room, Phil quickly opened the laptop again and hit replay. It was something about seeing them drenched in milk that really turned him on.

**~FIN~**

* * *

**Ok, like, I don't even know what this all was. Oops. Well, thanks for reading :)**

**Love Always,**

**ThatOneSmoshyPhanGirl**


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